When Guilt is Lying to You

Mar 4, 2025

Whether it is saying what we mean or standing up for ourselves, guilt can often talk us out of it. The problem is that guilt can lie to us about what our options truly are. 

Guilt often has roots in an unconscious, sometimes socialized, belief that:

  • people who act a certain way are good

  • acting in a certain way is what we have to do to keep people happy

  • we are responsible for other people staying happy

Guilt can talk us out of saying what we mean faster than almost anything, which is why I find it useful to remember the actual definition of guilt.  

 

GUILTY: being culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing.

 

When you find yourself feeling guilty about saying what you mean, a good question to ask is, "what is my wrongdoing?"

If you can’t find some wrongdoing, it’s possible that guilt is part of your socialization.

When I was little, I was explicitly told to be nice. So if someone doesn't like what I'm saying, am I not being nice? 

Am a culpable of wrongdoing? 

"Should" If feel guilty? 

 

Now this may not be your experience. And...our socialization is not always explicit. 

It is worth examining because what we understand about our feelings influences how we view our choices.

 

And now I know that it is possible to "nicely" say what I mean. 

Something to Try

Sometimes my clients will say…

  • I feel guilty that I don’t want to help my coworker with the project he procrastinated on.

  • I feel guilty for giving feedback on someone’s poor performance because they’ve got a lot going on right now.

  • Saying no makes me feel guilty.


One tip is to ask yourself, “What is the wrongdoing here?”

 

Here’s another tip.

If you’re feeling guilty but don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, try adding “because” on the front of these statements and then see if there is an emotion other than “guilt” that gives you more useful options to consider. 

 

 For example: 

  • Because my co-worker procrastinated on his project, I feel annoyed at being asked to help.

  • If I feel annoyed, I could choose to tell him that I’m happy to help when we plan ahead for it but doing it last minute would mean that I can’t get to the other things I’m responsible for so I can’t help him.

 

Remember back to the idea of assertive behavior. Someone has every right to ask you and you have every right to answer in the way you want.

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