Jan 21, 2025
When you’ve taken an informed look at what type of relationship (with work) you are in, it raises some great questions about how to improve the health of that relationship. After all, works gets a lot of our time and energy.
So let's explore one way to boost your relationship:
Healthy Boundaries!
Am I hearing groans out there??
We hear a lot about healthy boundaries when facing holiday meals with family, but how often do you think about the role they play in your daily life, particularly at work?
Contrary to some people’s beliefs, boundaries are not a dictate of how someone else is supposed to act.
"My boundary is that you will _____"
is a great line for a sitcom but doesn't exist in real life.
At their best, boundaries clarify what you need and your own behaviors that you are willing to be consistent about when you don’t get what you need.
It is a subtle but important difference.
“You are not allowed to speak to me that way” indicates that I somehow have control over how you speak.
I don’t. Only you get to decide that.
On the other hand, “If you speak to me that way I will leave the conversation” is my decision about how I will respond when I encounter something that doesn't meet my needs.
Only I get to decide that.
You are not allowed to speak to me that way” and “If you speak to me that way I will leave the conversation” are two different things.
There are two misconceptions that I often encounter with my clients who are trying to change their relationship with work by employing healthy boundaries.
Misconception #1: saying what you need is guaranteed to change someone else’s behavior.
False.
Just like you choose your behavior based on your values, your interests, and your beliefs, others do too.
We don’t get to dictate other people’s behavior and we can’t guarantee that others will want to meet our needs the way we might like.
Misconception #2: you only have to articulate a boundary once.
Oh if only this were true!
In fact, a boundary is something you have to be prepared to enforce repeatedly and consistently.
Every time someone “speaks to you that way” you have to be willing to “leave the conversation”.
That doesn’t mean you never speak to that person again. Of course you do. In many cases your role or relationship requires it.
What you are doing when you articulate a boundary is helping others (and yourself) understand your needs and what to expect from you when your needs aren’t met.
Take a look at your work life. What are the situations that you seem to repeatedly find yourself in that don’t feel healthy?
Maybe they…
Maybe even make a list.
Now, put that list in order from low impact (an annoyance or inconvenience) to high impact (repeatedly having a strong negative impact on you).
Pick a low impact situation.
Ask yourself:
Now take this last answer and play with how you might say what you need.
Co-worker, when I’ve got my headphones on, it’s a sign that I’m trying to concentrate and need to not be interrupted. If you shoot me a text/email/sticky note on the edge of my desk, I'll find you at a time that’s better for me. Can we make a deal? ”
As you experiment with words: