Our Stories Can Keep Us Silent

Today we're going to check out the fascinating world of the stories we tell ourselves and how they can keep us from saying what we mean!

 

Our mindset is impacted by both our thoughts and feelings.

So becoming aware of and managing them is critical to saying what we mean.

 

Here’s a fun fact: Humans literally have trillions of thoughts.

I have no idea how scientists figure these things out, but even us regular folks can guess that there are many of those thoughts that we pay zero attention to.

 

There are also situations where we pay TOO MUCH attention to them. This is when we can get into ruminating, or getting stuck in our thoughts.

But if we train ourselves to be aware of our thoughts, we can choose which ones to pay attention to.

 

One step we can take is to examine the stories we tell ourselves.

This is helpful because the stories we tell ourselves can feel so true that we figure they can't possibly be misleading us.  

But, when we're sold on our own stories it is hard to make an informed decision about whether to say what we mean.

It's hard to be objective about:

• whether it's safe to do it
• if our motivations are in the right place
• if the relationship warrants it
• if the cause is important
• if there's room for improvement

 

But (BIG BUT HERE), our stories are not always as true as we think and they can keep us from saying what they mean even when doing so would actually be worth it, important, and helpful.

 

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The next time you're deciding whether to say what you mean, here's four questions to help you examine the story you've got about it.

• What do I know for sure?
• What have I assumed (i.e., don’t know for sure)?
• What might I be afraid of?
• What do I really want/need out of this?

I had to use these questions once when I noticed a colleague would copy our boss and other ' higher ups' on her emails to me.

 

She's doing this to make herself look good, there is no reason for it, and I'm sick of it.

 

The story I told myself was that it most often happened in situations where she was trying to make herself look good or cover herself. 

My story also included the idea that she was trying to make me look bad. 

I was sick of it but also told myself that if I brought it up, it would turn into an even bigger deal, wouldn't make any difference, and that I would wind up even more angry and frustrated. 

 

• What did I know for sure?

Well it turns out that all I really knew for sure was that she was copying people on her emails to me and I didn't understand why. 

• What had I assumed (i.e., don’t know for sure)?

I had assumed that she intended to make herself look good and that I was being put at risk of looking bad.

• What might I have been afraid of?

I was afraid that there was something going on between her and the 'higher ups' that was not going to work in my favor. 

• What did I really want/need out of this?

At first I was tempted to think that I needed her to stop doing it, but the truth was that there could have actually been a good reason I wasn't aware of. In reality, what I actually wanted was for her to include a note in her emails indicating why she was copying who she was. 

 

See how that works? 

Did answering these questions instantly free me of my fears and frustrations? No.

But it did help me see the situation more clearly so I could make a more informed decision.