Say What You Mean Without Being Aggressive (or Passive, for that Matter)

Feb 18, 2025

When we think about saying what we mean, it's easy to get caught up in the fear that we will be perceived negatively and labeled a whole host of things that people who say what they mean get labeled like... 

...Bossy, Pushy, A Hater, Crazy, Aggressive, Sensitive, Angry, Emotional, Whiny, just to name a few.

 

These can get in our heads.  We can be afraid that if we say what we mean we will be perceived as one of these things.

We can also be afraid that it can become true. I hear people say things like, "It's hard for me to be assertive because I like being thoughtful about what I say." 

Somehow, something in our brains can make us concentrate way more on possible negative impacts than positive ones.

"I don’t want to become aggressive so I should probably just not say anything."

But chances are very low that saying what we mean will cause us to run amok, do it thoughtlessly, and ruin all of our opportunities and relationships. 

Saying what we mean doesn’t change who we fundamentally are. In fact, I think it can enhance our true selves.

 

So how do we get out of our heads about saying what we mean? 

Try thinking differently about being assertive.

Something to Try

There are plenty of definitions of assertive behavior but I am partial to Peter Block’s which talks about it in terms of rights.

  • Aggressive behavior is behavior that protects my rights and suppresses yours.

    • For example, if I am interrupting you, I have the right to be heard and you don’t.

  • Passive behavior protects your rights and suppresses mine.

    • So If I’m letting you cut me off and stop me from talking, you have the right to be heard and I don’t.

  • Assertive behavior, on the third hand, respects your rights and upholds mine. 

    • When I ask you to let me finish my thought and commit to hearing you out afterwards, I have the right to be heard and so do you (it just so happens that we can’t do both at once).

 

I think of this when clients struggle with something that is being asked of them and feeling like they’ve been wronged.

They say things like, "How dare they ask me to…?" and "What sort of person would think I’d want to do that?"

If we think of those situations in terms of this definition of assertive behavior:

 

They’ve got every right to ask 

and you’ve got every right to answer how you want.

 

Look for places you can apply these definitions and make it easier to:

  • say what you think

  • respond to what you notice

  • express how you truly feel

  • share information (facts or feelings)

 

;